Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’? In the lane, slow is glistenin’. A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight. Walkin’ in a winter wonderland.
WTF???
Everyone here will tell you, Israel has only two seasons: summer and winter. Summer, we all know about: Hot. Hazy. Humid. Repeat. But last Thursday morning, at the exact same moment, everyone from the Galilee to Tel Aviv (sorry, Negev) would tell you the same thing: winter’s here.
How did we all know this at the same time? Rain! Geshem chazak! On October 29, sometime between eight and nine o’clock in the morning, it started raining. And it kind of hasn’t stopped since. Now for sure, there have been some breaks. Most of Sunday was sunny and nice. But the skies opened up again that night, and it continues to rain off and on as I type this on Tuesday morning.
Here’s the thing about rain in Israel: it is effed up. And not because it’s been a near constant for almost a week now. In New York, I experienced plenty a full-on rainy day, and some unfortunate stretches where they strung together to make a washout week. And that’s tame. Hello, Seattle? Or while we’re at it – England?
The biggest thing bothering me about Israel’s rainy weather pattern is this: she’s such an Attention Whore. She loves to make an entrance, so first we get these teases with stagnant, dark clouds and ominous, far-off thunder. But, already with the overkill! Instead of a quick warmup to the eminent downpour, this bit can go on for a few hours. Tacky. She does not know when to quit.
And her act can’t be what we’re expecting or anything we’ve seen before. That simply won’t cut it in her eyes. So, none of the standard drizzle-intro into heavy downpour standard fare. She’s thinking: Snoozefest! So, she throws this endless and unpredictable barrage of flash-floods at us followed by pregnant pauses. But here again, she misses the mark. This can go on for hours (or days, as the record now reflects). Know when to quit, Babe! Always leave them wanting more. Your act gets staler than Tal Bagels’ inventory during Pesach.
So, I’m sayin’ it now for all of us: Sh!t or get off the pot, Israeli Rain. If you are trying to prove your point – you’re impressive, you can take charge – we get it!!! But give it a rest already, will ya? Not sure if anyone else has had the b@lls to tell you this before but: it is not all about you! Sheesh, such self-importance! Personally, I don’t care if you soak us all day and all night with a drenching downpour. But this start-and-stop bullshit is just tired, girl.
None of this is any good for Israel’s low-tech green clothes-drying methods. If you’ve got a load of wash out on your clothesline while all this is going on – what are you supposed to do? Seems foolish to leave garments you’re drying outside in the middle of a downpour. But what the eff are you supposed to do with sopping wet clothes if you bring them inside? So, I leave mine out on the line to get what I’m calling “extra wash cycles.” (Note to self: plastic clothespins don’t bleed into your clothes. Wooden ones do.)
And the temperature outside vs. inside….inneresting. Outside, you can get away with shorts and a sweater or scarf; some people even still prefer just T-shirts, especially if the sun is out at a given moment. But indoors, it’s a mite chilly, isn’t it? WTF? I’m a “winter person,” who’s survived much colder temps in the northeast U.S. I think it’s the fact that all our homes here are made of concrete and none of the windows are weatherproofed. Plus, my heating system is also….my air conditioner. In New York, I’d have to open my windows in the dead of winter, my stinkin’ radiator was so blazing hot. Here, I’m already wearing double socks inside to keep the tootsies warm. Hmm.
And while we’re at it – do the whipping winds against your windows sound like something out of Disney haunted house, too?
But I’m full of it. For a guy who hates to schvitz – kol zeh is still preferable to the soupfest we get for the other six months of the year.