There is entirely too much ass crack on display in this country. Think I’m joking? I’m not. If you’ve been here more than five minutes, you know what I’m talking about.
In America, it’s a cliché: the fat, unattractive plumber type – kneeling down to fix a leak and oblivious that his unappealing butt crack is on display for everyone to see. Dan Akroyd did it on SNL, remember?
In Israel it’s a different story, though. It’s not just fat plumbers, it’s everybody! Seriously, you’d think butt cleavage full-on ass crack was on the cover of fashion magazines as a trend for Fall or something. Scratch that, it’s more like everyone here subscribes to Ass Crack Monthly.
I’ve been wanting to blog about this forever – not just a single post, but do an entire series on it. Only trouble is – it’s really tough to be that quick with a camera. You’ve got to be carrying it at all times to not miss the shot, and if you miss it, you can’t exactly ask someone to pose again for you. I’m sorry sir, I’m making fun of the way your entire butt is hanging out. I’m going to post it on the web for the entire world to see, but you moved and I missed it. Mind posing again? Don’t think so.
Fat plumbers get a free pass – they invented the cliché, remember. Little toddlers playing in a sandbox? We can excuse them, too – they are freedom embodied and should not be judged for fashion errors (they don’t even dress themselves). You see, the conventional wisdom is that it’s only The Clueless who show you their ass crack. Fashion criminals and those exempt for being under two years of age – The Oblivious.
Then we move into the gray area types. Britney Wannabes on a Friday night? Fine, they’re probably doing it on purpose. U.S. skanks would be showing thong not crack, but this is the Middle East, so I’ll accept it. Skate Rat Punky Teens? OK, after all it was their Hip Hop equivalents in the U.S. who invented the whole “show your back junk” trend a decade ago anyway, even though you’re supposed to show plouffed-out boxers, not full-on crack.
But Dads pushing babies in strollers? Really, Dads??? You’re sensitive and considerate and co-parenting enough to be taking your young one for a stroll around the neighborhood, but you don’t know that your (almost) entire backside is completely on display for the whole world to see? Is this, I dunno…like, marketing or something you’re doing for work maybe? Definitely getting into some bizarro territory when you see a Yuppie Dad’s full-on butt in broad daylight. What, he couldn’t put a kippa on down there?
Construction workers you would expect, right? But I simply could not believe my eyes last week when one of the crew inside my gym replacing drywall had his shorts hanging so low, his entire tush was visible to everyone on the gym floor. Why weren’t his co-workers making fun of him? Or, how come they didn’t give him a warning so he could pull up? They weren’t feeling uncomfortable in a homophobic way, even? I’m telling you, I don’t know what was suspending this guy’s shorts and preventing them from dropping right off his body. A butt’s normal outward protuberance naturally acts as a “brake” to total shorts droppage, right? But this guy’s shorts were pulled below his butt “peak”; they should have been in freefall. I was dumbfounded by the whole situation – by him, his buddies, the people on the gym floor, and the physics of it all. I was like, ‘crackstruck.’ Was this guy oblivious or intentional about it? And, really – why was no one saying anything about it? It was, like, SO the white elephant in the room; at least for me. Was it just not weird for anyone else? I also wondered when the last time he showered was. And I cursed the fact that he wasn’t cuter.
I guess it really is a cultural thing. Maybe it’s saying: See how tough I am, World? I’m no Fryer (sucker), here’s my butt crack! Maybe everybody’s just really confident. Hell, maybe it’s pheromones, I dunno. All I know is this: investing in companies that make Israeli underwear and belts is a complete waste of money.